Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
