You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
