It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
