I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
