new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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