The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
