Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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