I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
