She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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