She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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