as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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