yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
