She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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