apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
