if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize