As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
