there's paper in my vomit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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