I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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