piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
