Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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