I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
