No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
