if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
