I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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