I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
