just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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