Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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