that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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