Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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