You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
