Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
