I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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