I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
