I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We need to get me chipped asap
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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