There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize