I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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