Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Small penises have feelings too.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize