i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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