I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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