thus making me awesome and them whores
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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