now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
