just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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