Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
