I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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