I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
