I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
