When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
