i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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