Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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