If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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