The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
