She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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