So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
