Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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