I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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