census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
