True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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