I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
