she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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