my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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